The
Green-eyed Monster
A
priest friend gave me permission to tell his story. When he was a
seminarian back in the 1950's and 1960's he frequently found himself
in a gloomy mood. This happened especially when he was on retreat
or not busy with other things. He would find himself feeling empty
inside, looking at others and wondering if they were talking against
him. He often doubted if he belonged and wondered if he should leave
the seminary. This continued to happen to him as a priest. He would
have these bouts of gloom lasting two to four weeks and then they
would lift again. During these times he would appear normal to others
who would not notice that there was anything wrong.
In
1979 he took the Summer Institute of Pastoral Counseling run by Fr.
Ruben Tanesco, S.J. at Ateneo de Manila. There he became aware that
what he was having were bouts of depression and he discovered that
the reason for them was his jealousy. He discovered that because of
his poor self image and fear of being nobody he was always comparing
himself with others who seemed to be doing well in the things in which
he felt he did badly. He felt jealous of those who were more relaxed,
more competent, more gifted. But because he was a priest, a so called
"good person" he could not admit to himself or to others
that he was jealous. Because he could not admit the feelings his whole
affective or feeling system would go askew - exactly what happens
when one is depressed. During his course he became aware of and began
to accept his jealousy. He would say to himself, "There you go
again you jealous b-!" and since then he assured me he has never
again experienced depression.
Jealousy,
the green eyed monster, is one of the most pervasive and destructive
vices. It is not a monopoly of any group. Recently, I was able to
arrange for some trustee prisoners to work on a construction job so
as to be able to earn something to help their families. Within a few
days the Governor got a phone call complaining about their being allowed
to work outside the prison. It later transpired that the call was
made by another prisoner who was jealous of them.
However,
jealousy is especially the vice of so called 'good people.' They do
not indulge in stealing or killing or sexual misbehavior, so they
think that they are deserving of special stroking from the Lord. They
become very sensitive to who is and who is not getting that stroking.
A loving and sacrificing daughter is looking after her old mother.
On Christmas day her mother will not eat as she waits for a phone
call from another daughter who is married in the United States. The
daughter caring for her mother gets madly jealous that her mother
gives such importance to the other daughter who has had the best of
everything in life, as she sees it, while she has sacrificed so many
things to serve her mother and does not get a word of thanks. The
scene is similar to the story of the elder brother in the parable
of the prodigal son. He is angry and jealous that his father can welcome
and forgive the son who was not good like him.
There
was a Señora in one of the parishes in which I was stationed
who was famous for her generosity. All was well till she heard that
another Señora was equally generous!
Jealousy is the issue in the Gospel today. It is jealousy which arises
as a result of God's unlimited generosity. The laborers who had worked
in the vineyard from the early morning were the Israelites, the descendants
of Abraham and Isaac. Those who worked for the final hour were the
latecomers, the non-Jews or Gentiles now being accepted into the church.
The
church of Matthew's time was having a lot of trouble because the Jewish
Christians found it hard to accept that the Gentiles could be promised
the same rewards as they expected to get. So Matthew tells this story
of God's incredible and uncontrollable generosity. The master gives
the same reward to the latest comers as he gives to those who had
worked all day. This makes those who had worked longest feel very
jealous and angry. The point being made is that we must not be trying
to limit God's generosity and determine who are deserving of it.
This
is still a prevalent attitude. We think we deserve God's goodness
because of our goodness and our prayer. We are jealous when others
who do not seem to be as good as us or to pray as much as us have
good fortune. We often rejoice in hearing of the misfortunes of others
who seem to be better than us. Because of our poor self images we
are ever wasting our energies in comparing ourselves with others instead
of pausing to count the wonderful blessings that we have most definitely
received. We are like a swimmer who is struggling to keep his head
and shoulders above the water because of his fear. Of course, the
wisest and less exhausting thing for him to do would be to keep as
much as possible under water letting only his nose emerge to breathe
from time to time.
One
of the difficulties about the traditional ways of describing prayer
in stages, or as mansions, is that it may cause us to be self-consciously
looking at what stage we are in. If we see prayer as climbing a ladder
we will be self-consciously observing where we are on the ladder.
John Main used to be amused by the brochures brought out by some schools
of spirituality in which they gave beginner, advanced and more advanced
courses. The Spirit cannot be possessed, quantified, or measured and
so the presence of the Spirit cannot be packaged for a consumer market.
The remarkable thing about Christian meditation - the practice of
saying the mantra or prayer word for 20 to 30 minutes twice a day
is that it is so simple and so difficult. It is so simple that anyone
can do it and yet it is so difficult that nobody can do it, in the
sense of doing it for long without distraction. Meditation is a humbling
way of prayer, a way of prayer in which there is a letting go of all
desires, even the desire to pray well or to possess God. As the desire
to be better than others is the root of jealousy, the abandonment
of desire is its antidote. Freedom from jealousy is a great freedom.
It can be a release from competitiveness with the outside world and
from depression within us.
Taken
from Sundays
into Silence - A Pathway to Life. Copyright © 1998 by Claretian
Publications
