Confronting
with Love
The
Gospel today makes fraternal correction, confronting one who has done
wrong sound easy, but it is far from it. The matter of trying to modify
the behavior of another which seems destructive is a very difficult
and sensitive one. I would like to discuss one aspect of this difficulty
today and share how meditation might help.
In
1989 Fr. Roger Champoux, S.J., the director of a testing and guidance
center in Manila, gave a reflection on his experience in his work
to the convention of religious superiors. While he as talking mostly
about seminarians, from my parish experience with students and families
in general, I believe that his observations have more general application.
He said, "Frequently we encounter people who are not too happy
with their superiors. Quite often we are dealing with an unresolved
problem of authority and aggression. Two seeming opposite patters
stand out as more frequent: an excess compliance towards people in
authority, or an attitude of excessive independence or even rebelliousness.
We see some who seem to function quite well but only as long as they
are allowed to do their own thing without any interference. Try to
bring them into a common task demanding cooperation, and right away
the conflicts emerge, sometimes explosively. Compliance and rebelliousness
seem opposite - yet, submissiveness breeds resentment, which may come
out in the open in the form of explosive anger. We have all had this
experience of a meek and quiet person who suddenly becomes red with
anger to the surprise of all present. Or of this quiet and humble
person, who, when slightly challenged, comes out with the hostile
and final statement, 'You do not trust me, you have never trusted
me.'
"The
following pattern, which we have found among a good number of seminarians
through a research done a few years ago, can perhaps throw some light
on this problem of authority. This typical pattern has the following
ingredients: First a longing for love and acceptance from an understanding
but strong father figure. Second a great sensitivity to any attitude
of this father figure that is not fully accepting and approving. This
reflects a certain defect in the early formation of one's sense of
masculine selfhood through identification with a strong and loving
father - hence now both the yearning and the accompanying sensitivity.
But his puts the superior in a bind: to be good and nice without confrontation:
or to hide behind one's authority so as to avoid the tensions of a
more realistic and sometimes painful interpersonal encounter. It is
not easy for the superior to blend the two: to be both very understanding,
and yet to remain challenging when needed."
This situation arises especially in a culture where there is great
emphasis on parental authority. Often something is seen as right because
authority has said it rather an authority verifying very thoroughly
that something is right before saying it. Disagreement is seen as
defiance of authority. The normal flexing of muscles that teenagers
engage in by challenging their parents is crushed as insubordination.
When the normal signs of transition from childhood into adulthood
are treated as major sins rather than as being indications of a normal
process of growth the results can be most destructive. When demure
deference is demanded it may lead to a buildup deep down in the person
of deadly anger and defiance.
Fraternal correction in this situation becomes very complicated. Who
was most at fault, the parent or the child? Now when a boss at work
or a superior in a seminary tries to offer guidance there will be
transference of the repressed anger towards the original parent on
to the new father figure. And what if the new father figure does not
understand this anger and again tries to crush it as insubordination?
The
Gospel today says that we should go and talk to the person that is
causing the hurt. We should stop talking about the person and talk
to the person. There is a risk here and it calls for courage. Often
a little honest talking can clear the air.
The
spirit in which the confrontation takes place is very important. It
must not be done in anger. This would merely be to vent out our passion.
It must be done out of loving concern to help the other person and
not to appease our own wounded pride or our desire to get even.
If
the person does not respond to the private confrontation in love then
the Gospel says it is time to get the advice and help of others in
the community. This must be done with gentleness and sensitivity for
the deep hurts and feelings of all concerned. All too often I have
seen well meaning efforts to make enemies shake hands, which causes
only more pain because the parties were not yet ready for such a reconciliation.
Now
what has prayer - the main concern of this reflection got to do with
this process of confronting in love? It has, I think, a great lot
to do with disposing towards a positive or negative outcome. As my
earlier quote pointed out, behavior that authority disapproves can
often be found where a person has moved from the docility of a frightened
child into open or hidden defiance. The behavior and the sensitivity
that accompanies it is only a symptom of the deeper anger. In this
case our traditional ways of prayer would have us ask God to change
the other. The supervisor may pray that he will be successful in bringing
about a change of heart in the offending one. The offending one may
be praying that this oppressive authority will get off his or her
back. Both are praying that their own will may be done and they will
be successful in fulfilling their own desires.
Meditation,
on the other hand, is totally poor before God. It is to be empty and
silent without desires of any kind. One cannot continue to be silent
and to be dishonest. The silence of meditation may create a space
in which the one correcting may become aware of his or her insecurity
and the need it produces to control and direct. The person "at
fault" may come to see how his or her behavior is a reaction
formation, an over reaction to a situation which brings back the hurts
experienced in a past situation. With this realization there will
be a freedom to look at the situation holistically and reasonably.
The person may become free enough to respond rather than to just react
to the situation or the confrontation.
The
Gospel today tells us "where two or three are gathered in my
name, I shall be there with them." I dare to suggest that often
when we come together to pray we are not gathered in his name that
his will be done but we are gathered in our name that our will be
done. On the other hand, when we try to meditate we just be in His
presence, without words or desires. We create a space we are better
equipped to confront others in a very humble love, and if we are the
ones erring to hear the words of loving confrontation with great joy
and gratitude
Taken
from Sundays
into Silence - A Pathway to Life. Copyright © 1998 by Claretian
Publications
