Resentment
Rey
was an up and coming young executive. He was bright ambitious and
hard working. He was also a religious fellow. He was searching for
God and for deeper meaning in his life. He spent an hour a day in
prayer and had done an eight day retreat with a Jesuit director.
A
branch manager of the company for which he worked was getting into
hot water and Rey was asked to replace him. Somewhere deep down he
knew that he was not the right person for the job but he was so flattered
at being asked that he agreed at once. He saw himself as Mr. Fix-it
who would excel his predecessor in every aspect. The honeymoon in
the new job was sweet but soon the waters began to ruffle. His subordinates
began to turn against him. His superiors began to criticize and even
reverse some of his decisions. He prayed to God and frantically consulted
trusted friends but the spiral continued to be downward. Eventually,
higher management asked him to resign.
For
some time Rey was in depression. He felt that his life was ended and
that he was buried alive. He was angry at his subordinates who had
let him down and at his superiors who failed to support him. He cooled
off in his prayer.
Then
one day, like Lazarus, who in the tomb heard Jesus call "Lazarus
come forth," Rey heard just one word in his heart. It was the
word resentment. Then everything began to fit together. He realized
that he was living in a prison. He became aware that he was carrying
that prison around everywhere he went, and the name of the prison
was resentment.
He
would readily enough admit that he was angry and resentful towards
his superiors and towards his subordinates who had so misunderstood
him. But now he realized that his main resentment was towards God.
"You let me down God; you cheated me. I did my part but you did
not do yours" was the real feeling that he had been afraid to
admit. Now, he saw for the first time that his was a barter idea of
religion. Like so many others who pray and make novenas, he had been
subconsciously creating an utang na loob, (debt of gratitude) with
God. He had been trying to make God indebted to him. Then when he
needed something God would have to pay him back. It was just good
business. When God did not give what he thought he should get he became
a sulking child within. He had made God in his own image and then
was resentful when God did not comply with that image.
This
is the source of a lot of disillusionment with religion. We have a
false expectation and then become resentful and angry if that expectation
is not fulfilled. I heard recently of a man who came back from a cockfight
and shattered the image of the Sto. Niño. He declared that
all of his prayers were useless because, in spite of them, his cock
had still lost!
To
be shocked into the realization that our religion is almost totally
selfish we need, like Rey, to die. The death can take many forms,
for example, failure in business, not passing an exam, being jilted
in love, the breakdown of a relationship. It plunges us into the tomb
like Lazarus. If we can be there in silence and stillness we may hear
the truth that brings us to simplicity. It can be a great shock to
realize that we were not as pure, or as purely motivated, or as single-minded
in what we did as we thought we were. At first we may deny this truth
as too painful to accept. Yet it is only in its acceptance that freedom
and simplicity can be found.
In
the Lazarus story Jesus declares, "I am the Resurrection and
the life. If anyone believes in me, even though he dies he will live."
If we really believe in Jesus when we die, in the way explained above
we will come to live in a new way. The Lazarus story is not something
that happened 2,000 years ago. It still speaks to our faith lives
now.
Entering
into meditation is like entering into the tomb of Lazarus. In saying
the prayer word or mantra one lets go of all the little things one
clings to and becomes open to new life and freedom in Christ. One
cannot continue in the silence of meditation and the saying of one's
mantra without becoming more honest about all things and most especially
about one's self-seeking motives in prayer itself. If these selfish
motives are not recognized and accepted one will be left with resentment
towards God. We will find it very hard to accept that God loves us
too much to spoil us by answering our every whim. The twice daily
meditation is, I believe, one of the best ways in which to dispose
ourselves to recognizing this truth.
Taken
from Sundays
into Silence - A Pathway to Life. Copyright © 1998 by Claretian
Publications
